Found cat alert. Is this intruder yours?

Grumpy Old Cat stages a sit-in

It's very tiring being a cat. Fortunately, my job involves a great deal of sleep, so I have no time any more to write blogs. But it enables Her to get on with the important things, like cleaning my litter tray, filling up my various food bowls and changing my water, regular trips to the vet and bank, as she makes out my vet's fees and food bills are exorbitant. I'm only a cat, for heaven's sake. How much can it cost to keep one lousy cat?

Of course, if she didn't fall for the spare cat's theatrical act of bursting open my private door and pleading poverty and starvation every day, she'd only have one cat to pay for. I've heard her groan when she picks him up. There's obviously something heavy inside (like a free range chicken) and he plays on her sympathy by occupying her filing tray, fooling her into believing he's doing something useful.

Cry for help

So if anyone out there misses their cat for great lengths of time and recognises this intruder, or Spawn of the Devil as she calls him, please come and get him. It's gone beyond a joke.

Spawn of the Devil pretending to be useful

Lady cat column

And while I'm on the subject of superfluous devil-cats, have you noticed that The Lady magazine, not content with a tedious dog's column, (the idea of a dog being able to write is so ridiculous) have launched a cat's column too. Whatever next? Gertie the Goldfish blogs swimming tips? Soon there will be no space left for humans, or huwomens either for that matter.

Yours cattily
Harry the Cat, aged 21 this year
Presents gratefully received (especially food parcels)

Harry the Cat blogs The Lady

She's gone out, so I thought I'd teach her a lesson for shoving that pill down me this morning. I'm Cocoa, the office cat (aka Harry the Cat). Of course, everyone knows that writing from the point of view of cats, dogs, goldfish and trees is a no-no in the proper writing world but nobody reads her blogs anyway so it doesn't matter. For my first effort, I'll review this magazine in her out-tray called The Lady. Apparently, it's had a revamp. She wrote something for it once I remember, so she's bound to say something nice about the New Look in case she wants to send them something else. She's been reading it since her enforced stay at Miss Wilkinson's School for Gentlewomen in the 1950s, I know that. I don't want to be catty but that model woman in this week's issue doesn't have a whisker on her face and...oops, she's back. Pretend to be sleeping, that always works.

Always a big follower of The Lady, I thought I'd leave it a while to settle before I decided whether to continue buying it after all these years. On the downside, I think probably the worst change has been the addition of an office dog's column...disbelief, shock, horror on this one. It's a dog...dogs can't write...hello? Penny Smith though is always a pleasure to read, no matter where and her sense of humour makes up for it. In general, I think I'd like to see stronger themes come out of the articles, for most of them don't tell me anything new or impart any information I could think 'wow' about, even (and especially) from the big names. What is the point of interviewing Julie Andrews just to tell readers how nice she is, as if we didn't know. So what's new? The old Lady articles used to inform and educate. I remember reading about Suzanne Lenglen and thinking wow, that's really interesting. (Suzanne who?) Quite - go look up a back copy. Forgotten achievers of the past had another 15 minutes of fame and topics we took for granted had an airing, like the history of tea. Why would readers of a certain age want to read about a young model person, especially when the adverts specialise in retirement homes and electric stairlifts? Twiggy perhaps (congratulations on that one) or whatever happened to Jean Shrimpton or Barbara Goalen. I know, yes, who? And another thing - have you noticed how often free product plugs creep into the articles, especially book titles (good heavens, what am I saying?) The difference is that that is the purpose of this blogsite. When the adverts become more entertaining than the articles, it's time...who's walked across my laptop with dirty feet?

Just dealing with the forensics